Its hard to know what to write about the loss of my brother, so Ill just start:

Tony died unexpectedly on July 17, 2024 from unknown heart disease. He hadn’t been feeling well several months beforehand. He lived in Minnesota with his wife, and we would catch up with each other on the phone, sometimes going several weeks in between phone calls. Texting stupid memes to each other occurred more regularly. On our calls he would describe to me strange, uncontrollable twitches that brought him to the emergency room on more than one occasion, he had anxious feelings, and explained other odd symptoms that didn’t make any sense. He was actively working with doctors, specialists and alternative medicine to figure out what was causing it all. He even told me how one doctor put him on a heart rate monitor, and while his heart rhythm came back slightly abnormal, he was told he was “too young” for heart trouble. Tony was 45.

My mom called that Wednesday morning and told me the terrible news: “Heather called, and Tony died last night. She found him on the floor”. My mom’s voice was hollow and empty, and I could hardly believe the words I was hearing – how could this be?

He was JUST at the doctor a few days before.

He JUST had a scan on his brain to rule out a tumor.

I JUST talked to him on the phone.

While the news of his death made zero sense to me, in the same instant I heard he had passed, I remember feeling shocked, but not surprised? From the conversations he and I had, I knew there was something more going on with his health. And here it was. It was his heart.

As I finally absorbed the news I began to try and make sense of what happened. Maybe the odd symptoms were his body’s way of signaling to him something wasn’t right? Maybe he sensed all along things would end up this way? In one conversation, he told me he had trouble sleeping because of an overwhelming sense of impending doom. His words: “impending doom”.

I flew from North Carolina to Minneapolis the next day to be with my sister-in-law, and over the next several days we grieved together, laughed/ cried, told stories, called friends and family to share the awful news, and made his final arrangements. It was the hardest work I’ve ever had to do, but so grateful I was there to help make these plans for my brother and to help honor his final wishes. I hope we did him proud.

Thankfully, he and his wife had communicated to each other their final wishes, and had formal legal documents in place as well. This was my wake-up call I needed to have these hard conversations with my husband, and to finally get a Will and Living Will made.

I was not expecting to have to deal with the loss of my brother so soon – it’s something that hadn’t even crossed my mind I would have to deal with anytime soon. He and I were supposed to be old together, and be there to remember all the things of our past. What was the neighbor’s name when we lived in Milwaukee? Do you remember that trip we took to Florida when we were kids? Remember the way our old cat would torment the dog? He was my memory-keeper, someone who understood the private jokes only we had. I was counting on having him around to help handle other hard things that would inevitably come up in life, including being there to help take care of our aging parents. I find myself suddenly alone with these things and it’s overwhelming to think about.

After I returned home from Minneapolis, I knew I was going to need help processing my grief. I made an appointment with a counselor but only met with her once. I found it rather uncomfortable talking about things with a stranger. I found a Facebook group specifically for people who experienced a loss of a sibling, and read a book that came recommended. I quickly learned reading books about loss, grief and bereavement were more helpful for me; several books were more helpful than others (I will list the helpful ones below).

Grief is something we all end up experiencing during our lifetime, and during my “book therapy”, I kept thinking about how un-prepared we are as a society to handle and process grief. How to actually help someone who is going thru it (hint: saying things like “let me know if you need anything” seems helpful, but in reality, it is not. No one ever will randomly call you to say “I’m overwhelmed today, please pick my kids up from school”). One book I read indicated that simply sitting with the person in grief and being present in its emotion with the person, is more meaningful than anything else. I will agree to this:

When I was in Minneapolis helping to make arrangements, I spent one afternoon (my birthday, as it was) with a dear friend of mine. She took me to lunch and we went for a walk, and listened to me talk about my brother and the events leading up to my visit home. She was there to hug me thru my tears, and her presence that day meant more to me than she may ever know.

One book I read referred to the quote: “grief is the cost of loving someone”. It sounds so grossly cliche, but it’s also very true. More adage: “the greater the love, the greater the loss”. Also true. I loved my brother so much, and I’m glad we had recently agreed to start saying it to each other before we hung up the phone. I knew he knew, and I don’t carry that guilt.

I am finally feeling like the fog is lifting from my brain, and I’m finally able to turn my thoughts inward and recognize the fact I need to take better care of myself. This is all a part of my journey. Life is short and you never know how much time you have. Do the things that make you happy. Take care of yourself and those you love. Tell them you love them. Drink your water. Get sunshine. Be happy. Be grateful.

More cliche, but all true.

All of these things can be gone in a blink.

In memory of my brother Tony (1978 – 2024)